unreasonable expectations

I have been blessed to have seen many things in my (not) so long life. One of the things that never cease to amaze me is the expectations of others in their future life partner(s).

I knew of woman who had a list of ‘must haves’ for the man she would marry.

movie star looks
6’3
spoke several languages
6 figure job
incredible body
top credit score
top education
intelligent
no kids

the problem: she was overweight, short, not that bright, bad credit, multiple kids by multiple men. you couldn’t tell her first language was English, she was unemployed, dropped out of high school, etc. you get the point. I would cringe every time she talked about how her ‘husband’ had to have this or that. Finally I asked her how did she come up with ‘list’. She talked about how she was ‘worth’ having this caliber of man. I pointed out that we are all ‘worthy’ of great caliber men HOWEVER how ‘great’ did we present ourselves to the men who were seeking us?

She did not understand anything I said. At that point, I decided to let the conversation go.

I have met men who talked about wanting to find a “good, church-going, god-fearing”woman to settle down with and have children. This would have been wonderful, if they went to church to find one. These men spent their time in strip clubs, after-hours joints, bars, swing clubs and parties having a great time. Now, let me just say that you can find all sorts of god-fearing women in any of the aforementioned places HOWEVER, while atypical, a woman going to church twice weekly and most of the day Sunday is not bent over naked on the pole Saturday evening at 10pm.

When I hear men and women making this ‘expectations’ of their future partners, I think of something I learned in Graduate School.

” You will not find an elephant in a bread basket”

If I’m a police officer looking for drugs during a drug raid, I’m not looking for elephants. I’m looking for signs of drugs, I’m looking for drug paraphernalia, I’m looking for cash, I’m looking for cash counting machines, I’m looking for guns and other signs to indicate this is a drug house/stash house. Am I looking for college textbooks? (unless its chemistry books) then probably not.

but you get my point.

while I may stumble upon expensive cars (as evidence of drug proceeds), I’m really looking for Drugs, Guns, Drug Paraphernalia and other such animals.

Why are so many people saying they are looking for drugs when they are really looking for elephants?

my theory is simple. we have bought into the Hollywood/marketing/PR Perfect person that we ‘must’ have to make our life complete.

No one is really asking (as far as I can tell) whether or not its a two-way street.

Reciprocation

Are YOU what you are asking for?

Do you really think a man with a 800 credit score wants a woman whose credit is so bad she can’t open a bank account?

Do you really think a woman with a Victoria Secret’s body would be interested in marrying a man who is 300lbs overweight?

Not to that that either one of the above situations could never happen, but the odds aren’t very high.

I have not problem with ANYONE having standards. Standards are a very good thing. Not everyone one is the one for you. Not everything that glitters is gold….

If Halle Berry, Beyonce, Gigi Hadid, Kourtney Kardasian, Kendall Jenner said in order to date them a man have to have a net worth of $14 million or more, trust and believe, men who have that minimum requirement will be more than happy to provide documentation from their banker and stockbrokers of their net worth.

and there would be a line around the corner. for each woman.

the rest of us aren’t that lucky to be able to make those types of demands.

HOWEVER

I have to ask, what are YOU bringing to the table besides your sex organs?

I have talked to too many young men and women, who when asked, brag about their sexual prowess or their looks. When I ask about things that would give a a hint of their character, values, dreams, goals and ambitions, I received blank looks and dismissive statements how my questions aren’t “relevant” or “don’t matter”. I always remind them that 1. looks and bodies fade and 2. there is a 7 year old who will be replacing you in a few years, so don’t get the game twisted.

Beauty won’t comfort you when your mother dies suddenly.

A nice body won’t matter when you can’t afford to feed your children.

Character, values, dreams, goals and ambition can’t be ignored because someone doesn’t conform to your idea of beauty or ideal body.

The man who accepts you for who you are might be 5-7 but he treats you as if you are gold.

A woman may be 30 lbs overweight, but supports your dreams and goals.

I’ve seem many man and women tolerate behavior I find abhorrent because their partner has a 6 figure job, good looking, graduated from a prestigious university.

Why?

because they have convinced themselves the trade-off is worth being with that particular person.

there are trade-offs and then there are absolutely nots.

only you can determine what is ‘unreasonable’ or not.

My rule of thumb is this:

Don’t ask anything of anyone else, that you do not have yourself.

A penis isn’t a pacifier and a pussy isn’t a blanket

(AKA Why having no one in bed with you is better than the person coming over)

Long ago, a close friend and I were talking. After laughing and joking about our lives she turned to me and said:

“Sometimes you just want a dick in your mouth”

I laughed at the absurdity of a dick as a pacifier but I realized what she meant. It wasn’t about the ‘dude’ you were with, per se, but about ANY penis in your mouth, just to distract you from whatever what going in your life. Much like a baby with a pacifier, the pacifier isn’t because the baby’s hungry when you give it to him or her, it’s a distraction.

Think about it. How many times have you had sex to distract you from something else? How many times have you called up some person you knew not because you really wanted their companionship but their body parts? How many times have felt like the person you were with wasn’t really ‘into’ you?

You just might have been a pacifier for them.

Sounds kinda icky right?

Sounds as if you are being used for your body parts?

And you would probably be right.

I could say something like, “you should NEVER do something like that to anyone EVER!”

And I would be lying to you if I said I have never done it before.

We all have done it, (perhaps not the penis in mouth part) but the using someone to distract us from something going on in our life we didn’t want to face at the moment.

We also happen to forget two very important things:

First, the human being lying naked in your bed has feelings. Despite what they might say about not minding hanging out with us, having non-emotional, hot and heavy sex with us, they deserve more than being our physical dump site.

Second, whatever feelings or situation we are trying to avoid will be there when we are finished avoiding the real issue(s).

My advice (whether you like it or not) is this:

Face your fears.

Difficult as you think it is. It’s probably not going to be easy (facing your fears never is)

But

A phone full of booty-call guys or fall-back girls are human beings not pacifiers and blankets.

Man Crush Monday: Titus O’Neil

Well, I have always loved Chocolate men. Him can get it. Anytime he wants. When I first saw him my thought was oh my… lookie here (hehe)

he is fine as hell. he can get it. As far as I know, he’s single. so he can really get it. absolutely, okay maybe after a 5 minute conversation. but he can get it. and he can leave the suit on. we can work around the zipper and belt.

oh and he can bark as much as he wants, as long as he wants.

did i forget to mention he can get it?titus 1titus 2