Happy Valentine’s Day 2017

Today is about love. Those you love, those you loved and since left, and those who you just love from afar. No matter what your love status is, remember that someone loves you, even if they don’t tell you, you are loved.

Me wait for Santa on Christmas Eve

How I feel right now waiting for Santa to bring me my present

momma june
momma june dancing

Dear Santa, about Christmas

Dear Santa,

Before we get started, I understand that you are busy right now, like really, REALLY SUPER busy. I get that. But in all fairness, I haven’t asked for anything in a while

Like years.

So… in my defense, I think I SHOULD be able to ask for something this year.

Before we get started, I apologize for that “fat bastard” comment from a few years ago. I know it was uncalled for and I humbly apologize. I was a bit stressed out. I was really looking forward to Dave Batista under my tree that year. I’m in the Washington, DC area. He’s from the Washington, DC area. It wasn’t like it was going out your way. And when I didn’t get him…well, I admit I was a bit prissy about it. Okay, in all fairness, asking for the bow around his neck was a bit much, since he was supposed to be naked and I now realize that he would have had pine needles all in his ass.

But I digress.

As far as me being a “good girl”, good is fairly relative don’t you think?

I mean

I haven’t killed anyone (that I know of-but I wanted to and didn’t. I should get credit for that)

I haven’t slept with anyone’s husband (this year) that I know of (In my defense, he said he wasn’t married)

I have honored my mother. (Okay, but in all fairness on this one, she did laugh at the joke)

But you get my point.

So let’s just say I’ve done the bare minimum to receive a gift this year and call it even.

Now that we have the formalities out the way, I will give you options for this year.

I didn’t put up a tree as to not worry about naked bodies and pine needles.

Safety first

Mehcad Brooks

That’s what I want for Christmas.

I know, I know, what about Dave Batista?

Sue me.

You apparently didn’t think I needed him a few years ago and besides he’s busy right now with Guardians of the Galaxy sequel so I don’t think he’s available.

Mr. Brooks is probably busy also with Supergirl, but production has probably closed for Christmas/New Year vacation.

Now I realize this might be a bit much, again. See our discussion above regarding my being good girl.

I can’t promise I won’t be snarky, bitchy or even petty in 2017 but for a few hours in December, trust me, a sista will be just dandy should I wake up with a present like him lying across my couch.

So if Mehcad Brooks, isn’t available, I’m offering some suggestions:

Roman Reigns:
Yes, he’s on my pretend baby-daddy list (he’s actually #1) and I can’t imagine a nicer pacific-islander I’d like to ride like a wave runner. He has a daughter and he would probably rather spend his Christmas morning helping her open her presents under the tree than opening me.

Titus O’Neil
Pretend Baby-daddy #2. A very, very worthy substitute for both Mehcad Brooks and Roman Reigns. He also has children; so again, while I’m sure I could make his barking so worthwhile; He’s probably going to be sitting in his living room Christmas morning unwrapping presents.

Wade Barrett
He’s not on my pretend baby-daddy list but he can get it. He should be available since him and WWE parted ways. (Too bad about that) but he should be able to manage to spend more time with me than the two previous candidates.

Mike Colter

He’s a late entry onto the baby-daddy list but a welcome addition. Since I don’t have netflix and my brother won’t share his password,(ugh) I have to watch Luke Cage bootleg. He’s more than worth me getting my own netflix account. (and I will shortly)

I know that the height seems to be a theme the men have in common (along with nice bodies & wrestling) but I have these really great pair of high-heel wedge shoes I’m dying to wear so I can break them in on Christmas.

Win-win for everyone.

I am going to be very intentional in saying that I am quite positive that you will be able to make your delivery to my house THIS YEAR.

I will leave out some milk and cookies for you but you would probably prefer a bottle of Jack Daniels and a 6-pack of Corona for the rest of the night. Just try not to weave driving the sleigh, remember NORAD is clocking you. They tend to take their job seriously.

Best wishes and tell your wife I said hello,

Jinks

P.S. p.s. please note that I didn’t do a request for anyone to be naked. Sweatpants and a wife-beater will be sufficient.

Domestic Violence Month

Today is Halloween. It’s also the last day of October. It’s also the last day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Domestic Violence has always been a hard subject for me. My childhood was overshadowed by it. I have seen family and friends destroyed by it. I have put myself in harm’s way on more than one occasion to help a woman and her children leave a batter. Yes, they went back. Time and time again. I took it very personal until I realized that it wasn’t personal. She (and in one case he) was not going to leave until THEY decided to leave. Until that point, there was nothing I could do.

In my professional life, I encountered women who begged for help, only to turn on the same people who ran to her aid. It is soul-sucking work. I have nothing but praise for those who do this work on a daily basis.

I could say so much on all sides, including the victims and the perpetrators. So many times, those sitting on the sidelines can only watch and prepare for the fallout, when it comes. And it will come.
Like a ripple in a pond, domestic violence will resonate generations. It destroys individuals, families, communities, countries.

We all have to take a stand.

We have to challenge the perpetrators and the victims.

We have to tell perpetrators to stop using those they claim to love as their personal punching bag.

That was never love.

Perpetrators (in my experience) are insecure individuals. Scared, confused, sad people. They don’t know how to deal with themselves and their inner turmoil so they lash out at the world.

Victims are also insecure individuals. They seek out people to reinforce the negative beliefs they have and feel about themselves.

Like seeks like.

It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m sure someone reading this will blow up about my simplistic view of domestic violence.

While my view may seem simplistic, it’s not.

Abusers seek out victims

Victims attract abusers

Abusers view themselves as victims

Victims believe themselves to be saviors of the misunderstood, unlovable, the unappreciated.

An “us against the world” mindset

The problem is the other person, other friends, other family members, the job, friends, the landlord, the boss, the grocery store clerk, the passing car, the TV anchor, the preacher, teacher, child, anyone else, and everyone else.

If you did what I told you to do, I wouldn’t have to hit you.

You made me hit you…

He only hit me because the kids were making too much noise when he came home from work…

She only slapped me because I wasn’t giving her my undivided attention…

Don’t call the cops, because I can’t pay the rent.

Don’t call her job; I don’t want her to get fired

No one will want me if I leave

No one loves me they way she does

I just want her to be the woman I fell in love with back

The person the victim ‘fell’ in love with never existed.

The “representative” of the person they met gave way to the bottomless pit of terror they now find themselves in now.

A victim of domestic violence will not leave until they are ready.

All anyone can do is be ready to be there when you get the 3am phone call, the Sunday morning after the weekend final beating, the call from the ER, the call from the police, the call from the coroner’s office.

And they will still go back.

And back

And back until

Something inside of them breaks. Not the daily, slow breaking of their spirit; but the breaking of their humanity. The part of their psyche that rises up, in the totally dark reaches of their soul, screams

ENOUGH

NO MORE

NOT ANOTHER SECOND

Until that day comes, no offers of support, no safe passages, no begging, no pleading, no rescues from anyone will matter.

unreasonable expectations

I have been blessed to have seen many things in my (not) so long life. One of the things that never cease to amaze me is the expectations of others in their future life partner(s).

I knew of woman who had a list of ‘must haves’ for the man she would marry.

movie star looks
6’3
spoke several languages
6 figure job
incredible body
top credit score
top education
intelligent
no kids

the problem: she was overweight, short, not that bright, bad credit, multiple kids by multiple men. you couldn’t tell her first language was English, she was unemployed, dropped out of high school, etc. you get the point. I would cringe every time she talked about how her ‘husband’ had to have this or that. Finally I asked her how did she come up with ‘list’. She talked about how she was ‘worth’ having this caliber of man. I pointed out that we are all ‘worthy’ of great caliber men HOWEVER how ‘great’ did we present ourselves to the men who were seeking us?

She did not understand anything I said. At that point, I decided to let the conversation go.

I have met men who talked about wanting to find a “good, church-going, god-fearing”woman to settle down with and have children. This would have been wonderful, if they went to church to find one. These men spent their time in strip clubs, after-hours joints, bars, swing clubs and parties having a great time. Now, let me just say that you can find all sorts of god-fearing women in any of the aforementioned places HOWEVER, while atypical, a woman going to church twice weekly and most of the day Sunday is not bent over naked on the pole Saturday evening at 10pm.

When I hear men and women making this ‘expectations’ of their future partners, I think of something I learned in Graduate School.

” You will not find an elephant in a bread basket”

If I’m a police officer looking for drugs during a drug raid, I’m not looking for elephants. I’m looking for signs of drugs, I’m looking for drug paraphernalia, I’m looking for cash, I’m looking for cash counting machines, I’m looking for guns and other signs to indicate this is a drug house/stash house. Am I looking for college textbooks? (unless its chemistry books) then probably not.

but you get my point.

while I may stumble upon expensive cars (as evidence of drug proceeds), I’m really looking for Drugs, Guns, Drug Paraphernalia and other such animals.

Why are so many people saying they are looking for drugs when they are really looking for elephants?

my theory is simple. we have bought into the Hollywood/marketing/PR Perfect person that we ‘must’ have to make our life complete.

No one is really asking (as far as I can tell) whether or not its a two-way street.

Reciprocation

Are YOU what you are asking for?

Do you really think a man with a 800 credit score wants a woman whose credit is so bad she can’t open a bank account?

Do you really think a woman with a Victoria Secret’s body would be interested in marrying a man who is 300lbs overweight?

Not to that that either one of the above situations could never happen, but the odds aren’t very high.

I have not problem with ANYONE having standards. Standards are a very good thing. Not everyone one is the one for you. Not everything that glitters is gold….

If Halle Berry, Beyonce, Gigi Hadid, Kourtney Kardasian, Kendall Jenner said in order to date them a man have to have a net worth of $14 million or more, trust and believe, men who have that minimum requirement will be more than happy to provide documentation from their banker and stockbrokers of their net worth.

and there would be a line around the corner. for each woman.

the rest of us aren’t that lucky to be able to make those types of demands.

HOWEVER

I have to ask, what are YOU bringing to the table besides your sex organs?

I have talked to too many young men and women, who when asked, brag about their sexual prowess or their looks. When I ask about things that would give a a hint of their character, values, dreams, goals and ambitions, I received blank looks and dismissive statements how my questions aren’t “relevant” or “don’t matter”. I always remind them that 1. looks and bodies fade and 2. there is a 7 year old who will be replacing you in a few years, so don’t get the game twisted.

Beauty won’t comfort you when your mother dies suddenly.

A nice body won’t matter when you can’t afford to feed your children.

Character, values, dreams, goals and ambition can’t be ignored because someone doesn’t conform to your idea of beauty or ideal body.

The man who accepts you for who you are might be 5-7 but he treats you as if you are gold.

A woman may be 30 lbs overweight, but supports your dreams and goals.

I’ve seem many man and women tolerate behavior I find abhorrent because their partner has a 6 figure job, good looking, graduated from a prestigious university.

Why?

because they have convinced themselves the trade-off is worth being with that particular person.

there are trade-offs and then there are absolutely nots.

only you can determine what is ‘unreasonable’ or not.

My rule of thumb is this:

Don’t ask anything of anyone else, that you do not have yourself.