Before we get started, I understand that you are busy right now, like really, REALLY SUPER busy. I get that. But in all fairness, I haven’t asked for anything in a while
So… in my defense, I think I SHOULD be able to ask for something this year.
Before we get started, I apologize for that “fat bastard” comment from a few years ago. I know it was uncalled for and I humbly apologize. I was a bit stressed out. I was really looking forward to Dave Batista under my tree that year. I’m in the Washington, DC area. He’s from the Washington, DC area. It wasn’t like it was going out your way. And when I didn’t get him…well, I admit I was a bit prissy about it. Okay, in all fairness, asking for the bow around his neck was a bit much, since he was supposed to be naked and I now realize that he would have had pine needles all in his ass.
But I digress.
As far as me being a “good girl”, good is fairly relative don’t you think?
I haven’t killed anyone (that I know of-but I wanted to and didn’t. I should get credit for that)
I haven’t slept with anyone’s husband (this year) that I know of (In my defense, he said he wasn’t married)
I have honored my mother. (Okay, but in all fairness on this one, she did laugh at the joke)
But you get my point.
So let’s just say I’ve done the bare minimum to receive a gift this year and call it even.
Now that we have the formalities out the way, I will give you options for this year.
I didn’t put up a tree as to not worry about naked bodies and pine needles.
That’s what I want for Christmas.
I know, I know, what about Dave Batista?
You apparently didn’t think I needed him a few years ago and besides he’s busy right now with Guardians of the Galaxy sequel so I don’t think he’s available.
Mr. Brooks is probably busy also with Supergirl, but production has probably closed for Christmas/New Year vacation.
Now I realize this might be a bit much, again. See our discussion above regarding my being good girl.
I can’t promise I won’t be snarky, bitchy or even petty in 2017 but for a few hours in December, trust me, a sista will be just dandy should I wake up with a present like him lying across my couch.
So if Mehcad Brooks, isn’t available, I’m offering some suggestions:
Yes, he’s on my pretend baby-daddy list (he’s actually #1) and I can’t imagine a nicer pacific-islander I’d like to ride like a wave runner. He has a daughter and he would probably rather spend his Christmas morning helping her open her presents under the tree than opening me.
Pretend Baby-daddy #2. A very, very worthy substitute for both Mehcad Brooks and Roman Reigns. He also has children; so again, while I’m sure I could make his barking so worthwhile; He’s probably going to be sitting in his living room Christmas morning unwrapping presents.
He’s not on my pretend baby-daddy list but he can get it. He should be available since him and WWE parted ways. (Too bad about that) but he should be able to manage to spend more time with me than the two previous candidates.
He’s a late entry onto the baby-daddy list but a welcome addition. Since I don’t have netflix and my brother won’t share his password,(ugh) I have to watch Luke Cage bootleg. He’s more than worth me getting my own netflix account. (and I will shortly)
I know that the height seems to be a theme the men have in common (along with nice bodies & wrestling) but I have these really great pair of high-heel wedge shoes I’m dying to wear so I can break them in on Christmas.
Win-win for everyone.
I am going to be very intentional in saying that I am quite positive that you will be able to make your delivery to my house THIS YEAR.
I will leave out some milk and cookies for you but you would probably prefer a bottle of Jack Daniels and a 6-pack of Corona for the rest of the night. Just try not to weave driving the sleigh, remember NORAD is clocking you. They tend to take their job seriously.
Best wishes and tell your wife I said hello,
P.S. p.s. please note that I didn’t do a request for anyone to be naked. Sweatpants and a wife-beater will be sufficient.