Domestic Violence Month

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Today is Halloween. It’s also the last day of October. It’s also the last day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Domestic Violence has always been a hard subject for me. My childhood was overshadowed by it. I have seen family and friends destroyed by it. I have put myself in harm’s way on more than one occasion to help a woman and her children leave a batter. Yes, they went back. Time and time again. I took it very personal until I realized that it wasn’t personal. She (and in one case he) was not going to leave until THEY decided to leave. Until that point, there was nothing I could do.

In my professional life, I encountered women who begged for help, only to turn on the same people who ran to her aid. It is soul-sucking work. I have nothing but praise for those who do this work on a daily basis.

I could say so much on all sides, including the victims and the perpetrators. So many times, those sitting on the sidelines can only watch and prepare for the fallout, when it comes. And it will come.
Like a ripple in a pond, domestic violence will resonate generations. It destroys individuals, families, communities, countries.

We all have to take a stand.

We have to challenge the perpetrators and the victims.

We have to tell perpetrators to stop using those they claim to love as their personal punching bag.

That was never love.

Perpetrators (in my experience) are insecure individuals. Scared, confused, sad people. They don’t know how to deal with themselves and their inner turmoil so they lash out at the world.

Victims are also insecure individuals. They seek out people to reinforce the negative beliefs they have and feel about themselves.

Like seeks like.

It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m sure someone reading this will blow up about my simplistic view of domestic violence.

While my view may seem simplistic, it’s not.

Abusers seek out victims

Victims attract abusers

Abusers view themselves as victims

Victims believe themselves to be saviors of the misunderstood, unlovable, the unappreciated.

An “us against the world” mindset

The problem is the other person, other friends, other family members, the job, friends, the landlord, the boss, the grocery store clerk, the passing car, the TV anchor, the preacher, teacher, child, anyone else, and everyone else.

If you did what I told you to do, I wouldn’t have to hit you.

You made me hit you…

He only hit me because the kids were making too much noise when he came home from work…

She only slapped me because I wasn’t giving her my undivided attention…

Don’t call the cops, because I can’t pay the rent.

Don’t call her job; I don’t want her to get fired

No one will want me if I leave

No one loves me they way she does

I just want her to be the woman I fell in love with back

The person the victim ‘fell’ in love with never existed.

The “representative” of the person they met gave way to the bottomless pit of terror they now find themselves in now.

A victim of domestic violence will not leave until they are ready.

All anyone can do is be ready to be there when you get the 3am phone call, the Sunday morning after the weekend final beating, the call from the ER, the call from the police, the call from the coroner’s office.

And they will still go back.

And back

And back until

Something inside of them breaks. Not the daily, slow breaking of their spirit; but the breaking of their humanity. The part of their psyche that rises up, in the totally dark reaches of their soul, screams

ENOUGH

NO MORE

NOT ANOTHER SECOND

Until that day comes, no offers of support, no safe passages, no begging, no pleading, no rescues from anyone will matter.

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Jinks Jones

I am a writer and educator. My passion is making things better than they were before I got there. I want a world where frank conversations about sex and sexuality are not minimized, avoided or just outright banned. I want have a world where women and men are treated equally. A world where no girl under age of 18 has a child unless SHE is fully capable of having one (mentally, emotionally, financially and physically). I want a world where boys under the age of 18 understand that using devaluing girls and young women for their own sexual pleasure not only degrades the person they are with but also themselves. I want a world where people stop having "Oops babies". I want a world where a women isn't disemboweled because she called out her ex's name during sex. I want a world where a woman doesn't lie about physical abuse as punishment in child custody cases. I want a world where a transwoman can walk in public with her partner and he's not ridiculed by his family, friends or society at large. I want a world where a man is viewed as being just as capable as raising a child as any woman. I want young people to learn how to make healthy life-affirming decisions regarding love, sex and romantic relationships for a lifetime, not just one time. I want a world where women and men don't come to the table in a relationship with their sex organs and think its the only thing of value they have to offer. I want a world where people view each other as individuals, not as potential victims. I want a world where healthy relationships are the rule, not the exception. I want a world where being kinky is perfectly okay. I want a world where you can go to your grandmother on advice for buying a new sex toy. Oh and I want to have a good time wherever I go!