Posted in relationships

unreasonable expectations

unreasonable expectations Posted on May 26, 2016

I am a writer and educator. My passion is making things better than they were before I got there. I want a world where frank conversations about sex and sexuality are not minimized, avoided or just outright banned. I want have a world where women and men are treated equally. A world where no girl under age of 18 has a child unless SHE is fully capable of having one (mentally, emotionally, financially and physically). I want a world where boys under the age of 18 understand that using devaluing girls and young women for their own sexual pleasure not only degrades the person they are with but also themselves. I want a world where people stop having "Oops babies". I want a world where a women isn't disemboweled because she called out her ex's name during sex. I want a world where a woman doesn't lie about physical abuse as punishment in child custody cases. I want a world where a transwoman can walk in public with her partner and he's not ridiculed by his family, friends or society at large. I want a world where a man is viewed as being just as capable as raising a child as any woman. I want young people to learn how to make healthy life-affirming decisions regarding love, sex and romantic relationships for a lifetime, not just one time. I want a world where women and men don't come to the table in a relationship with their sex organs and think its the only thing of value they have to offer. I want a world where people view each other as individuals, not as potential victims. I want a world where healthy relationships are the rule, not the exception. I want a world where being kinky is perfectly okay. I want a world where you can go to your grandmother on advice for buying a new sex toy. Oh and I want to have a good time wherever I go!

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I have been blessed to have seen many things in my (not) so long life. One of the things that never cease to amaze me is the expectations of others in their future life partner(s).

I knew of woman who had a list of ‘must haves’ for the man she would marry.

movie star looks
6’3
spoke several languages
6 figure job
incredible body
top credit score
top education
intelligent
no kids

the problem: she was overweight, short, not that bright, bad credit, multiple kids by multiple men. you couldn’t tell her first language was English, she was unemployed, dropped out of high school, etc. you get the point. I would cringe every time she talked about how her ‘husband’ had to have this or that. Finally I asked her how did she come up with ‘list’. She talked about how she was ‘worth’ having this caliber of man. I pointed out that we are all ‘worthy’ of great caliber men HOWEVER how ‘great’ did we present ourselves to the men who were seeking us?

She did not understand anything I said. At that point, I decided to let the conversation go.

I have met men who talked about wanting to find a “good, church-going, god-fearing”woman to settle down with and have children. This would have been wonderful, if they went to church to find one. These men spent their time in strip clubs, after-hours joints, bars, swing clubs and parties having a great time. Now, let me just say that you can find all sorts of god-fearing women in any of the aforementioned places HOWEVER, while atypical, a woman going to church twice weekly and most of the day Sunday is not bent over naked on the pole Saturday evening at 10pm.

When I hear men and women making this ‘expectations’ of their future partners, I think of something I learned in Graduate School.

” You will not find an elephant in a bread basket”

If I’m a police officer looking for drugs during a drug raid, I’m not looking for elephants. I’m looking for signs of drugs, I’m looking for drug paraphernalia, I’m looking for cash, I’m looking for cash counting machines, I’m looking for guns and other signs to indicate this is a drug house/stash house. Am I looking for college textbooks? (unless its chemistry books) then probably not.

but you get my point.

while I may stumble upon expensive cars (as evidence of drug proceeds), I’m really looking for Drugs, Guns, Drug Paraphernalia and other such animals.

Why are so many people saying they are looking for drugs when they are really looking for elephants?

my theory is simple. we have bought into the Hollywood/marketing/PR Perfect person that we ‘must’ have to make our life complete.

No one is really asking (as far as I can tell) whether or not its a two-way street.

Reciprocation

Are YOU what you are asking for?

Do you really think a man with a 800 credit score wants a woman whose credit is so bad she can’t open a bank account?

Do you really think a woman with a Victoria Secret’s body would be interested in marrying a man who is 300lbs overweight?

Not to that that either one of the above situations could never happen, but the odds aren’t very high.

I have not problem with ANYONE having standards. Standards are a very good thing. Not everyone one is the one for you. Not everything that glitters is gold….

If Halle Berry, Beyonce, Gigi Hadid, Kourtney Kardasian, Kendall Jenner said in order to date them a man have to have a net worth of $14 million or more, trust and believe, men who have that minimum requirement will be more than happy to provide documentation from their banker and stockbrokers of their net worth.

and there would be a line around the corner. for each woman.

the rest of us aren’t that lucky to be able to make those types of demands.

HOWEVER

I have to ask, what are YOU bringing to the table besides your sex organs?

I have talked to too many young men and women, who when asked, brag about their sexual prowess or their looks. When I ask about things that would give a a hint of their character, values, dreams, goals and ambitions, I received blank looks and dismissive statements how my questions aren’t “relevant” or “don’t matter”. I always remind them that 1. looks and bodies fade and 2. there is a 7 year old who will be replacing you in a few years, so don’t get the game twisted.

Beauty won’t comfort you when your mother dies suddenly.

A nice body won’t matter when you can’t afford to feed your children.

Character, values, dreams, goals and ambition can’t be ignored because someone doesn’t conform to your idea of beauty or ideal body.

The man who accepts you for who you are might be 5-7 but he treats you as if you are gold.

A woman may be 30 lbs overweight, but supports your dreams and goals.

I’ve seem many man and women tolerate behavior I find abhorrent because their partner has a 6 figure job, good looking, graduated from a prestigious university.

Why?

because they have convinced themselves the trade-off is worth being with that particular person.

there are trade-offs and then there are absolutely nots.

only you can determine what is ‘unreasonable’ or not.

My rule of thumb is this:

Don’t ask anything of anyone else, that you do not have yourself.

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I am a writer and educator. My passion is making things better than they were before I got there. I want a world where frank conversations about sex and sexuality are not minimized, avoided or just outright banned. I want have a world where women and men are treated equally. A world where no girl under age of 18 has a child unless SHE is fully capable of having one (mentally, emotionally, financially and physically). I want a world where boys under the age of 18 understand that using devaluing girls and young women for their own sexual pleasure not only degrades the person they are with but also themselves. I want a world where people stop having "Oops babies". I want a world where a women isn't disemboweled because she called out her ex's name during sex. I want a world where a woman doesn't lie about physical abuse as punishment in child custody cases. I want a world where a transwoman can walk in public with her partner and he's not ridiculed by his family, friends or society at large. I want a world where a man is viewed as being just as capable as raising a child as any woman. I want young people to learn how to make healthy life-affirming decisions regarding love, sex and romantic relationships for a lifetime, not just one time. I want a world where women and men don't come to the table in a relationship with their sex organs and think its the only thing of value they have to offer. I want a world where people view each other as individuals, not as potential victims. I want a world where healthy relationships are the rule, not the exception. I want a world where being kinky is perfectly okay. I want a world where you can go to your grandmother on advice for buying a new sex toy. Oh and I want to have a good time wherever I go!

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